Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Still Here...

Dawns turning to twilights, days drifting by, the summer slipping away... And I finally find myself ready to step-out from under this protective emotional cloak I have been wearing since March... since my mother's death.

In my suspended state of mind, I had mostly retreated from my studio, painting, and creating. These activities replaced by quiet hours. Amidst the silence were moments of urgency, as I struggled to forge a new family dynamic between myself, my father and my sister (what would be our new roles, now that my mother is gone), the weight of discussing ignored and neglected subjects both past and present, as well as sorting and settling various aspects of my mother's estate.

After four month, the dust has settled, somewhat, and we are left to carry-on... but how?  I continue to ask myself... how? I have changed, I am changed, forever. Never having been touched by any real tragedy, some would say, "Consider yourself lucky."  But I don't feel lucky, I have felt lost.

Slowly, I have been making my way back to art and joy.  In the beginning, completely fueled by work demands of deadlines and expectations, I dragged myself down to the studio.  But once I had settled myself into doing the task at hand, I felt glimmers of hope.

Today, I continue to gain strength and gather momentum.  I am not 100% yet, but I am ok with the gradual recovery and taking small steps. I have learned to question my tasks and actions, striving toward the meaningful, while weeding out all of the empty fillers.

I am happy to be back to blogging because I have missed sharing with my creative tribe.  And am grateful for all for the kind words and messages, comments from friends that have continued to check in on me. All of these have been a true comfort.  You may notice in the coming weeks, months... a few changes, a new direction as I continue to uncover this new self.... I hope you will journey along with me.


9 comments:

Glenda Hoagland said...

So glad to see you are blogging again and working in your studio. It does take time to heal and change but through it all we find a peace like no other. I was feeling melancholy today as I am coming up on the 7th year anniversary of my mother's death. thinking about things we used to do...it never really goes away but what I have found after all these years is that I embrace the days of melancholy and I can feel my mom hugging me telling me it is alright.

Over time I know that you may feel something similar and a smile will cross your face, you will feel warmth in your heart and know that the love and spirit are always with you.

Love you

Katherine Dunn said...

I am glad you are entering a new phase on this journey. I know too how the shifts in family dynamics can bring on depression and bleak thoughts of the future without the one who is lost. But, it will shift, and settle, even more. xo

Paula Prass said...

So beautifully spoken Tracie. I lost my son tragically and have experienced many of these same emotions. The creativity gets zapped, but some day it will become a safe refuge. Thank you for your openness and honesty. LOVE your work!

Rachel said...

Thoroughly enjoy your art, Tracie. Having lost my parents, I connect with some of your comments. C S Lewis said after his wife, Joy, died: "The act of living is different all through. Her absence is like the sky, spread over everything." Praying that you will seek and find peace and hope in God, the giver of life.

HollyM said...

I am so glad you have found your way back to your studio and your blog. My father died suddenly about 30 years ago, several years younger than I am now.
I remember the veil of shock and sadness although it has truly faded with time. That is also very sad. I still think about him a lot and wonder what he would think about modern day inventions.. I'd love for him to see how his grandchildren turned out. It is not easy.
Thank you for sharing.

Jeannie said...

The cloak of sorrow can be heavy at times and comforting sometimes. Be gentle with yourself. Family dynamics can be a struggle, especially in times like this. I have taken a vacation from mine, just for peace of mind. I dreamt about my Dad last night. Six weeks to the day since he left, and it was comforting knowing that he is still here in my heart and my head. Sending you hugs and wishes for peace of mind and heart. xoxo

Britta said...

Today would have been my mother's 77th birthday. She left this world 23 years ago, and I still miss her. I don't believe that anything ever fills the hole that is left when you lose a loved one, but I try to remember that the separation is only temporary....I know I will see her again. And, in the mean time, I try to honor her memory by caring for the people she loved (like my father and sister) and continuing to do the things that we both enjoyed (cooking, gardening, sewing, painting....).

Glad to hear that you are getting back to art and blogging. Healing takes time.

Britta said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bockel24 said...

and we have missed you and your art!